Change

Three Keys To Successful ChangeCopyright © 2007-2008 Bonnie McFarland

Is there a change you want to make in your life but you're stuckand stymied by it?

Perhaps you're at that point in midlife where you long to findsomething entirely different to do with the rest of your life butyou're not taking action to discover what that might be. Maybeyou already know what you want to do in the next chapter of yourlife but you're not doing it. You might want to exercise more oreat healthier foods.

Whatever the change is, it's one you've not (yet) been able tomake.

Sometimes change comes easily and naturally; we explore,experiment, learn, improvise, adapt. Sometimes change isdifficult; we try and try and try to change -- and we fail. Whenthat happens, we may blame and criticize ourselves or just giveup or tell ourselves we don't really care anyway. We begin tofeel hopeless, helpless, and powerless.

It's Not Just You

In his book, "Change or Die" Alan Deutschman cites studiesshowing that even when patients are faced with death if theydon't make changes (such as stop smoking, exercise, eathealthier) only ONE in TEN is able to make the necessary changes.That's when the choice is change or die!

So, if you've been unsuccessful in making changes in your life,you're not alone. No need to beat yourself up; you're justbeing human! Numerous studies and our own personal experiencestell us that facts, fear, "shoulds" and "ought to's" don'thelp people change.

What does help? In his research, Deutschman uncovered a number ofsituations (with heart disease patients, career criminals,factory workers) where change seemed hopeless yet it happened.From this he identified three critical keys that will help youmake important, positive changes in your life: relate, repeat,and reframe.

-----------------------------------------------------------------Three Critical Keys to Change

Relate

"Build a new relationship that will inspire you and give youhope," Deutschman recommends.

Find a person (or community) who believes you can and willchange. They "sell" you on yourself so you believe that youhave the ability to change. They persuade you they'll be yourpartner in the change and that their methods will work for you.

Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12 Step programs do this. Theyoffer a community of people who believe you can change usingtheir methods; they know it worked for them so it can work foryou. This inspiration and hope has helped many, many people tochange.

Depending on the kind of change you wish to make teachers,coaches, personal trainers, nutritionists, naturopaths, and manyothers all could play this role.

Repeat

Deutschman says, "The new relationship helps you learn,practice, and master the new habits and skills you will need."

Making a change requires new ways of thinking, feeling, andacting. It can take a lot of repetition to master and integratethese new ways of being. Your person or community "trains" you,providing guidance, encouragement, and direction until your newbehavior becomes automatic and natural.

Reframe

"The new relationship helps you learn new ways of thinking aboutyour situation and your life," notes Deutschman.

Over time, as you continue to relate and repeat, you see theworld in a different way, a way you couldn't see before, a waythat supports you in making the change a permanent one.

Experiences with the Three Keys

Have you had experiences that fit with these three keys? Timeswhen relate, repeat, and reframe gave you new hope, new skills,and new thinking to make an important change in your life? Andalso times when you didn't have these keys in place and thechange didn't happen?

I certainly have. As I've thought about this in the last fewweeks, I've revisited numerous examples in my own life.

I've tried four or five times to learn to play the piano. I'venever gotten close to the level of playing I wanted. I'vecriticized myself as lacking discipline and persistence.

But maybe I just haven't found the right (for me) teacher andmethod of instruction that would give me the belief I couldsucceed, the encouragement and guidance as I learned new skills,and the new view of myself as a piano player.

Here's an example of success I've had with the three keys. WhenI wanted to change how I was living my life, I chose Cathy Hawkto help me. She was my coach, mentor and teacher to learn to live"lights on."

She completely believed I could make this change, inspiring meand giving me hope. She guided and encouraged me again and againalong my bumpy path as I learned new, dramatically differentskills for navigating my life. Eventually I had a new view ofmyself and my life that allows me to live with much more joy,ease, passion, and purpose.

It's fun for me to see that these three keys also apply to myown work with clients. When the fit between us is right, I'mable to inspire them, give them hope, and help them believe theycan create lives filled with pleasure, passion and purpose. Iteach, guide, and mentor them as they practice new ways ofliving. They develop new ways of thinking about themselves andtheir lives. With these three keys to change in place, they areable to make the life changes they want to make.

In Your Life

Do you have a change you'd like to make and, so far, have haddifficulty making? Here's what I suggest.

1) Identify what you want to change, something you'd like to beor feel or do differently in your life.

Be very clear and specific about what you want. Of course, ifit's something you're "lights on" about (a vision, dream, ordesire that energizes and enlivens you), that's a significantboost to the process of change.

2) Find a relationship that will inspire you and give you hope.

This relationship is the foundation upon which your successfulchange will be built so pay close attention to who you choose.You want an individual or a community with people, methods,approaches, and strategies that light you up, that you'reenergized and enlivened by, that you're drawn to.

3) Give yourself permission and the time to learn, practice, andmaster (with guidance, direction, support from your newrelationship) the new skills that will enable you to make thechange you want to make.

4) Allow your view of yourself, your situation, and your life tobe changed as well.

Yes, some changes can be difficult to make and that doesn't meanit's hopeless. When you're having difficulty making a changeyou'd like to make, try using the three crucial keys to change:relate, repeat, reframe. Your new hope, new skills, and new waysof thinking will allow you to make significant, important changesin your life.

Enjoy!

============================================================Bonnie McFarland works with women at midlife who are restless,stuck, or dissatisfied and wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Her e-book, "What Lights You Up? Your Guide to Pleasure, Passion, and Purpose in Life," as well as "Light Matters," her ezine with tips and tools for getting more of what you truly want, are both available free. http://www.labellavia.com ============================================================

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